Goodbye 2017; a year of growth and self-love

I’m sitting down with my amethyst on my heart, tears streaming down my face as I begin to say goodbye to 2017. A year that was filled with hope, heartbreak, growth, new adventures, strength, lessons learnt, new discoveries and more heartbreak. I never thought that I would be sitting here a year later, knowing as much as I do, filled with an abundant mixture of overwhelming joy and angst because I know that I am strong. I have just lived through one of my hardest years of my life, but most possibly the one that also made me the strongest. They say that knowledge is power and time is a gift to the human soul, I can confirm all of this after living through 2017. There were days I didn’t think I’d see again, days where I lost hope and felt like I had hit rock bottom.

March 2017: "self acceptance is the goal for 2017...you can do it emily 💗"

I started this year just starting to pick myself up after leaving behind the fragments of my broken heart back in 2016, where I still had no conception of how to truly live in my authentic nature again (that was to be discovered soon enough). I had enough fight in me to get me to where I needed to go next, an event in March that would be the best thing that ever happened to me but not in the way you’d expect. Walking in with so much hope I expected you to provide me with all the answers, yet you provided me with a tall handsome stranger whom I’d share my first kiss with & experience a short-lived moment of happiness only shortly after to be left to feel worthless and gutted. Until I met another stranger whom was fair, with dark hair and held the true answer to what I was going to need to keep me strong for a lifetime. I became introduced to self-love and self-care, this in itself was a mission for me, as for so many years I was walking in other people’s footsteps, constantly looking for their approval. I was guided down a light that I had never known before. I’m still mastering the art of self-love but I’m grateful that I am allowing myself to learn more and more each day. Self-love saved me in 2017. It reminded me of my worth on my lowest of days and helped me to push through onto the next. I suddenly became a magnet for people that were also practicing self-love and fell in love that so many others like myself were learning and feeling the same radical emotions as I was, my heart knew strongly that this was my truth and I am forever grateful that it has helped me to heal, to grow and to strengthen- not just my heart; but my spirituality and relationship with the Universe throughout the year. The more I learn, the more I want to practice. The more I learn, the more tests the Universe sends my way to challenge me. I received plenty of them this year.

It is said that the Universe will keep giving you the same lesson, until you show up for yourself and learn it and it would seem that my lesson for 2017 was self-love, and forgiveness as time and time again I was tested to see how strong my values and standards were, and when all didn’t go as planned was I willing to forgive myself and others in the process. The only thing harder to learn than self-love, was self-forgiveness. I finally learnt that forgiveness was for myself, to bring inner peace back into my heart and to inflict positive energy into my space rather than toxifying it with hatred, resentment, guilt or shame. This is something I did, not once, not twice but multiple times throughout the year and I’m so proud of you!!! Even when it was hard, you sat down, allowed yourself to become vulnerable and forgave. Setting your heart free of all negative emotions is one of the most liberating feelings you will ever experience and I know that moving forward when you are presented with this again, you won’t stumble or doubt what to do, because the answer and gift is within your mind and soul.

From one stranger to the next, my lesson and insecurities all showed up consistently. My mind was riddled with insecurities about my body, my looks and internally I started to question why these people were falling for me?? What was so special about me? They would tell me, but I didn’t understand the reasoning. I remember a day in February a good friend took my hand, led me to a mirror and asked “what do you like about yourself, tell me 3 things” …. I stood in front of that mirror feeling so fragile, depleted and unloved because I couldn’t even love or appreciate what I saw in the mirror. I doubted and questioned my beauty and therefore my self-esteem just became lower and lower, until I met someone (remember that stranger in March). This is when my eyes became open to all of my insecurities and I started seeing that I needed a lifeline desperately, I needed to learn how to love myself and care for myself truthfully. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I was ready. I’ve learnt this year that when you set an intention with your heart and learn to trust the divine, it will appear when it’s meant to. That is something I’m taking with me in the years to come. There is no need to control everything and there is no need to fear when something will happen or appear in your life. Everything happens in divine timing. Have faith.

2017 was also the year that I would defeat old demons, and accomplish new goals. In late March I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety for the second time in my life and in early July (just before my 19th birthday as promised) I felt a shift as my depression had decreased drastically. There were days in between where I felt a sadness that sat so heavy on my heart, and I had forgotten what happiness felt like - a chemical imbalance of emotions and hormones led me to feel worthless and depressed, but I wasn’t about to let this dark cloud rain on my parade forever. On my 19th birthday in July I was filled with pride, smiling from ear to ear. I gave myself a reason to celebrate and to feel happy and if that isn’t a measure of my strength and what I’m capable of then I don’t know what is. Of course I didn’t do it alone, but I became so determined and passionate about finding myself again. Inevitably I was fighting for myself and learning to love who I was all at the same time. What a powerful action to take! It amazes me when I look back that I was able to do that in a short amount of time (even if it did feel like time was ticking slow on some days). In the middle of this timeline, I got a professional photoshoot and never in my life did I feel so beautiful. For the first time in a while, I was beginning to see what everyone else did and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing and my smile from beaming when I saw the finished product. I was in awe; the girl I’m used to seeing was no longer there. From this, mirror work became an important aspect of self-love for me, as I looked into my own big, brown eyes, I heard myself say the words ‘I love you’ to my own reflection. My heart jumped, a feeling of the unknown and so I repeated it constantly until I felt a shift. Once the tears started rolling down my face I knew I was starting to believe what I was hearing and that I meant it with every fiber in my being.

I know that depression is hard to get through, but I’m grateful that I did experience it again because it was through this struggle that a flower blossomed. I started journaling and giving myself a safe space where I could write and express anything and everything in a way that nobody could. I then became brave enough to share it with my life coach, my psychologist and my loved ones before taking an even bigger step of courage and eventually “Shine in your light” - my new blog was created. I found a new passion, a new hobby, a new interest that lit a spark in my soul. I love words and over the course of this year I’ve come across so many talented people that I feel inspired from. Journaling and writing is a gift that is a part of me now, and I’m so grateful that I found it this year, when I needed it the most.

Through all of this, I started to become more passionate about body positivity, my mind was craving some clarity and positivity so I searched for it internally and externally. I’m proud to say that I can stand in front of a mirror and say at least three things that I like, yes there are days where I still struggle with confidence, but that’s the great thing about being human - the learning experiences never ends. There is always so much more to encapsulate and absorb to feed your growth.

I reached new heights this year and when I thought I couldn’t go any higher, the Universe nudged me and so I went forward. I set my heart free when I received the opportunity to sit down with the person who sexually harassed me and allow for forgiveness to be received and restored. Someone I used to jump with fear at the thought of seeing or talking about, because I was allowing my mind to rule my heart. It amazes me how powerful forgiveness is and what I’ve been able to accomplish with it throughout this year. My ways of thinking and views on life have matured and now I’m ready to soar. I’m ready to leap into a new year with a fresh perspective, a clean heart and a pure soul because life pushed me beyond my comfort zone this year. In 2017, I overstepped boundaries, I dove head first, I explored new ideals and what they meant for me, I grasped a new culture of living, I made new memories, and saw a glimpse of what is possible. I learnt about mindfulness, gratitude, self-love, forgiveness. I learnt that solitude is healthy and its okay to outgrow people, thank them and send them on their way. I learnt that vulnerability is strength and it’s okay to be human. I achieved high marks academically and proved myself wrong. I started to believe in myself more. I made new promises to myself. I stood up for myself. I listened. I loved. I overcame fears and demons that were holding me back. I saved myself and became a shining, bright and happy sunflower again. How does a sunflower grow I might ask? It has to be nurtured, cared for and loved in a gentle manner each and every day. It needs sunlight and water to grow. You need self-love and positivity to grow, as much as you needed some rain and dark times so that you could see the light clearer the next morning so thank you 2017!

Thank you for providing me with all that I needed to grow. Thank you for giving me new gifts and talents to share with the world. Thank you for helping me get through the bad days. Thank you for reminding me that everything happens for a reason, even when all faith is lost and I feel that my strength is gone, I’ll remember the year that you were and I’ll know in my heart that there is always hope. Thank you for allowing me to re-define and find myself again. I’m grateful for all that you were. I’m grateful for the immense growth and changes you shifted within me. I’m grateful that I was able to step outside of my cocoon and now I’m developing my wings so that as a new leaf turns over I will fly and I will go where I’m meant to. And thus with every goodbye, there is always a new hello - but I’m grateful that I get to say goodbye filled with gratitude, pride and closure. This year may not have been what I thought it was, however it happened how it was meant to and now I’m ready for a new chapter. A new adventure awaits me.

Unconditional love always,

Ex

#selflove #grateful #2017 #reflections #growth